One tear. That’s all I’ll allow myself. That’s it y’hear? That. Is. It.
Or almost anyways. This is the first time the tears welled up. Where I felt like I was going to break down and rip my hair out and scratch all my skin off. In so so long. I’ve felt empty. I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt nothing. But I haven’t cried. I haven’t opened the floodgates. And tonight on this ordinary night on this fairly decent day it all threatened to end. My streak. It’s been getting worse and worse the longer I’ve been home and I don’t know if I want to make it to the weekend. I don’t like it here. I don’t like it there. I don’t like it anywhere. Even Dr. Seuss couldn’t help me out of this one.
But tonight on this ordinary night on this fairly decent day, I almost cried. And it felt good. It felt like water behind a dam itching to burst free of its restraints. And then I remembered I have to get my contacts out. I have to shower. I have things to do I can’t cry now I can’t be weak now I can’t break this streak I can’t let these little things and hormones and fuck knows what else tell me whether or not I am sad. Whether I am empty. Whether I am depressed. I have worked too hard and too long to shut myself off. I refuse to let the only things to come through be the hurt, the upset, the tears.
I am strong, but I am weak. But I will come through. I will not cry tonight. Tonight I will take out my contacts and shower and watch the last episode of season 2 of Breaking Bad and read a few pages of This Side of Paradise and go to sleep within minutes of closing my eyes. I will not cry any night. I will not cry until after I am happy.
Did you know I can’t even remember the last time I cried?
Now I can.
I’m not quite sure what I’m thinking or what I feel or what I want to do. It’s so satisfying to know that I don’t want to die anymore but now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to shoot for. I change my mind about what I want to do and how I feel about different things and go from positive to negative every second it feels like and I’m confused by the whirlwind nature of my thoughts. I feel sick, but I’m not. Just dampened. Like someone’s thrown a blanket over me to put out the flames and they’re gone. Well not completely. Sparks flicker often but they can’t overcome the blanket. I don’t feel happy much. But I’m not completely depressed yet either. Maybe it’s hormones, it’s been known to alter my mood on occasion.
I’m really excited about all the ideas I have for my projects. I have to come up with a more complete idea for my Candy Addiction video. I have the song and some of the concept but I’m not quite sure what story I want to tell. Then there’s the I’m Sticking With You idea, which is developing quite nicely. I can see the entirety of that in my head. A girl would be in love with this boy and she would follow him and try to make him fall in love with her. Eventually he would, as the duet comes in. They dance and are awkward and quirky in their love. And then she’s ripped away. Our poor boy would sing to himself, sad and alone. When the other male voice comes in, it is revealed that she was ripped away by another man. The video would end with both men singing their love to this girl, while one is rejected and the other is not.
I have an idea for a little animation. It would be this egg-like creature thing and it has rolled out of its nest. In order to get back to the nest it must first trek it’s way up this hill, which will of course seem gigantic to our little egg, but quite unremarkable to the average human. The egg would try and try to roll it’s way up the hill, rolling down every time it makes progress. Eventually it breaks off a little piece of its shell and uses it as an object to pull itself up the hill. Upon reaching the top of the hill, the egg does a little victory dance, but then looks up to realize that it still has to make its way up the tree. Maybe the hill is a root of the tree? Dejected, the egg throws itself off the root and lands in a frying pan, where over-medium eggs are made and served for breakfast. I guess that last bit sounds a little questionable but I literally came up with that on the spot. I guess I could end it when it notices the tree, but I don’t know the frying pan is kind of cute I think.
SEE? I have so many ideas and things I want to do and make and share with the world but I’m not a finisher! I come up with ideas upon ideas upon ideas and have no idea how to execute them. But this time it will be different. If this is my future we’re talking about I owe it to myself to try my damnedest to see if I’m any good at this. I just wish I knew what my first step is…
I’m also impressed with myself. I am coming up with stories, something I’m not very good at. I’m good at visualizing concepts and ways to direct things other people have written, but coming up with the original concepts myself? Applause applause. Maybe dialogue will come next!
I’m full of hope and excitement but it’s still smothered. I don’t feel AS excited as I normally would. I don’t feel super hopeful. It feels like one of my fantasies where I think up a perfect situation that couldn’t possibly occur in real life. I really hope that’s not the case.
I guess I should mention that at Crucible I felt the happiest I’ve felt in a really long time. That was about three weeks ago. I don’t know if it was just excitement at seeing my friends and family for the first time in a long time or if the pattern is coming back, but I sincerely hope it’s the first. Although it might be nice to have some more predictability as to when I’ll feel good again.
For the first time in a long time, I want love as well. I don’t want a hook up or something insignificant. I actually want to meet someone I connect with and can trust. I don’t know how or who (not really) or when, but I just long for connection. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’m really connecting with anyone here. At least not in the way I have in the past. I know I should be patient, but it’s so hard. It’s even harder when I can’t get myself out of bed or out in general because I’m so down. I should try to participate more I know, but I’m not in the mood? No no no it doesn’t matter I WILL do better. I got this.
I feel empty. Lost. Confused?
I want things. Love, happiness, to help others. My goals are still the same if not exaggerated because I am so damn close. I got out, I’m away and living my own life and I feel great?
I would say maybe this is happiness, but I think I’d know don’t you think? I’m not depressed anymore, I don’t think. At least it’s not very bad, but it’s definitely not good either. I just feel….empty.
Or rather, I feel very little. I want things, so many things, and I know that not everything can happen all at once and that these sort of things build and grow over time but sometimes it just feels so helpless. What if I lack the skills to form these relationships I desire so strongly because of some glitch? Some fuck-up in my hard-drive that makes me unable or unwilling to connect with people.
I’ve tried and I am trying, but I just can’t find what I think I’m looking for. And maybe my bar is set too high, what with the fantastic friends I think I’ve had before, but it’s hard to watch others form the friendships and bonds that will get them through college while I want nothing more than to join them but can’t make myself get off my bed in the process.
Looking back at my old writings, I remember how it felt to need to talk to someone. Anyone. In any way I needed to talk and feel connected to people. To keep me away from the edge, to keep me sane. I don’t feel that so much anymore. I want to talk to people but I can’t make myself do it. I don’t care enough anymore and that scares me. I used to lie awake at night dreaming of conversations and adventures I would have with all sorts of wonderful people, new and old. I would feel like I could finally be emotionally connected to someone and maybe just maybe things were turning around when all of a sudden they just stopped.
I lie awake at night thinking but I feel nothing. It feels hopeless that I will ever feel anything. Anything besides numb. I still want these connections and emotions but I can’t see them being formed anymore. One day, it all just shut off and I know I’ve always told myself that the emotional thing just wasn’t for me but I want it so bad. I want to feel and live and breathe and stand on the edge of a cliff and not be terrified of falling over and just stand there and let the wind blow and just breathe.
I sometimes don’t even want to keep the friends that I have. I don’t feel them anymore.
I sometimes wish that I could go back to that time when all I wanted was for the emotional roller coaster to stop because ever since that ride ended all I can do is wish I could get back on.
Why is it that some people are able to handle emotions with ease and, well, normalcy, while someone like myself is too scared or unable to make myself available like that.
I’m scared because while I know I’m not bad, I’m not good either. I’m not the floating in the middle, not caring good that I was for so long. My anchor isn’t around anymore and I’m drifting away trying to find my new norm and if this is it then I’m not sure I like it.
I WILL try to participate more and be active and smile and put on a happy face until it is real. I will. Even if that means I’ll have to listen to more “ratchet” music. *sigh*